I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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