surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
