Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
