You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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