I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
