I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
