How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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