My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
