do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Randomize
