Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
did you just send me my own nude
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
