I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
