listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
