My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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