Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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