can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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