sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
