You're my little dorito
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
