I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
