They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
