I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Randomize
