So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
