i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
