She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
