I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm sobbing to NWA
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
