I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
