Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
