I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
