Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
