I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
