Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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