I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
