cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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