I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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