You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
