Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
