Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
