i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
