OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
