you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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