I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
