in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
