Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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