You just made me feel so damn special
so that wasnt chicken after all
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
