is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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