It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You need Xanax blowdarts
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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