Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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