this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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