Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
this is an emotional support booty call
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
