My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
