Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
