Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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