Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
