i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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